We hope you found our Ultimate Guide to Travel Etiquette from enRoute’s September issue useful, enlightening and fun. We certainly enjoyed putting it together for you. One interview, however, slipped through the cracks. We asked Pam Ann – the alter ego of Australian comedienne Caroline Reid, whose shtick is to spoof flight attendants – to answer some of the most perplexing quandaries when it comes to questions of travel conduct. She obliged us. Then we said, “But seriously,” and asked Caroline to answer as herself. She obliged us yet again, this time with much more practical advice. For both sides of the coin, see below.
Who is the ideal airplane passenger?
People who have manners and are patient. I don’t like the passengers who get in the half-running, half-sprinting position looking like they’re ready to run a race when the seatbelt sign goes off.
Who is the most annoying?
The most annoying passenger I’ve encountered was on a flight from London to New York in First Class. The cabin crew – well, the gay cabin crew – recognized me and we were chatting and laughing, which got the attention of the guy in 1A. As soon as he found out I was a comedian he didn’t leave me alone. For the next seven hours over the Atlantic, he proceeded to tell jokes and throw paper planes over his seat at me. We were the only people in First so there was no way to escape him
Who is the ideal airplane passenger?
The one who boards the plane with no bags, takes their seat, doesn't ask for a thing, falls straight asleep and sleeps throughout the entire flight.
And who is the most annoying?
Anyone who breathes in Coach! The best way to deal with them is to nail their hands to the armrest.
When seated beside an excessively talkative neighbour, how do you let them know you’d rather read a book than chat?
The best way to deal with this is to ask the flight attendant to pop a Xanax in their coffee. And trust me, flight attendants do this every day. Problem solved!
How do you deal with passengers in front of you who recline their seat so quickly that you spill coffee all over your freshly pressed pants?
I suggest carrying a solid blunt object on board, and when they recline whack them on the head like the game Whac-A-Mole.
The man in 32F wants beef, not chicken, but there's none left so he starts barking at you. What do you do?
Slap him in the face really hard and tell him people are starving in Africa and walk off! You should be grateful you get food on board your flight! And, really, there is no difference between chicken and beef anyway – they are the same meat, just disguised as beef and chicken.
And how do you deal with the lady who just arrived at 21C accompanied by a 30-lb carry-on bag she needs your help to lift into the overhead bin?
I take it from her and throw it out the door. The ground crew loves it when I chuck a bag from the plane. They are like seagulls: mine mine mine mine mine!
What’s your Golden Rule for airplane passengers? Shut up and only speak when being spoken to. And don’t make eye contact with the crew.
I suggest carrying a solid blunt object on board, and when they recline whack them on the head like the game Whac-A-Mole.
The man in 32F wants beef, not chicken, but there's none left so he starts barking at you. What do you do?
Slap him in the face really hard and tell him people are starving in Africa and walk off! You should be grateful you get food on board your flight! And, really, there is no difference between chicken and beef anyway – they are the same meat, just disguised as beef and chicken.
And how do you deal with the lady who just arrived at 21C accompanied by a 30-lb carry-on bag she needs your help to lift into the overhead bin?
I take it from her and throw it out the door. The ground crew loves it when I chuck a bag from the plane. They are like seagulls: mine mine mine mine mine!
What’s your Golden Rule for airplane passengers? Shut up and only speak when being spoken to. And don’t make eye contact with the crew.
When seated beside an excessively talkative neighbour, how do you let them know you’d rather read a book than chat?
I wouldn’t be so rude as to tell someone to shut up, so I always have an iPod with me when I travel, which not only rescues you from chatty people, it also blocks out the sound of crying babies.
How do you deal with passengers in front of you who recline their seats so quickly that you spill coffee all over your freshly pressed pants?
Well, the seats are for reclining. But some people just have no manners and are clueless, in which case I suggest using your tray table as a drum! What happened to the Golden Age of flying when boarding a Boeing meant style, class and glamour?
What do you do when the man in 32F requests beef and, realizing there’s only chicken left, starts barking at the flight attendants?
A perfect time for the iPod to go on and watch the situation unfold. Sometimes it’s fun to watch someone else’s meltdown!
And what about the lady who just arrived at 21C and asks for your help to lift her 30-lb carry-on into the overhead bin?
I would just walk off and not even acknowledge them. I wouldn’t break my back for someone else’s excess baggage! Isn’t it funny, the only time people buy oversized Toblerone and junk from Harrods is in airports!
What is your Golden Rule when travelling on an airplane?
Touch up before touch down!
I wouldn’t be so rude as to tell someone to shut up, so I always have an iPod with me when I travel, which not only rescues you from chatty people, it also blocks out the sound of crying babies.
How do you deal with passengers in front of you who recline their seats so quickly that you spill coffee all over your freshly pressed pants?
Well, the seats are for reclining. But some people just have no manners and are clueless, in which case I suggest using your tray table as a drum! What happened to the Golden Age of flying when boarding a Boeing meant style, class and glamour?
What do you do when the man in 32F requests beef and, realizing there’s only chicken left, starts barking at the flight attendants?
A perfect time for the iPod to go on and watch the situation unfold. Sometimes it’s fun to watch someone else’s meltdown!
And what about the lady who just arrived at 21C and asks for your help to lift her 30-lb carry-on into the overhead bin?
I would just walk off and not even acknowledge them. I wouldn’t break my back for someone else’s excess baggage! Isn’t it funny, the only time people buy oversized Toblerone and junk from Harrods is in airports!
What is your Golden Rule when travelling on an airplane?
Touch up before touch down!
Find more Pam Ann at www.twitter.com/pamannairbitch or www.pamann.com.
Also, check out Pam Ann on Sparksheet.com's "First Crass: Q&A with "Air Hostess" Pam Ann"
PHOTOS COURTESY OF CAROLINE REID
